MySpaceBook

The Diary of an Addict

I remember the day she came to me. She sent me an email, her name was College Facebook. She claimed to be a social network, a place where I could meet people. I rejected her attempts to come onto me, she was not my type. But this facebook was not easily turned away. She came to me again and this time around she had minions. My friends were telling me how great she was, how much time they speant with her. She was real cool and she had lots of connections.

I gave in, I signed up but did not pay much attention to her. I filled out a few bits but I was not aware of her powers. Occassionally she reminded me of a friend's birthday, or introduced me to someone that I already kind of knew. Overall, I did not see much of her appeal.

Then a short time later my friends told me that there was a new girl in town. Her name was The Facebook. My friends told me that she was better than the other girl. She was more powerful, way more sexy, and twice as popular. After my dissapointment with the first girl, I did not give in like last time. My friends insisted that this one was way better, this one even got two of my friend's girlfriends in different states! They sent them pictures in crazy outfits and offered to pay for trips to meet. In spite of these crazy stories, I would not give in. One facebook was enough.

Then everything changed. The beasts merged to form a multiheaded beast. By being in one I was automatically joined in the other, I was not prepared for this commitment but before I could do anything I was sucked in. New friends added me every day, forcing me to return to the site. They tagged my wall making fun of what I did the night before. Every time I went back the beast grew stronger, and so did my attraction to it.

There were clubs to join, some were real others were rediculous. I was in fan clubs celebrating my friends. I acknowledged that basketball players needed to grow moustaches, I reminded everyone that I was from Colorado which made me the shit, and that when I drank that I liked to dance dirty. By viewing my selection of clubs people would think that I was witty and would want to hang out with me, and women would want to sleep with me. My friends and I posted pictures of ourselves showing that we could get drunk and behave like wankers.

A year went by and The Facebook became very popular, I reconnected with friends I had not seen since elementary school. People that I never spoke to in high school were now regular buddies. We agreed that we would meet and catch up when I came back into town, but we never did. I made sure to make minor alterations to my music and movie selections to show that I was cultured because I knew of bands that had not been played on the radio. I updated my quote to make me seem deep, yet funny, and sincere. People were really getting to know who I was, and people respected me. Fans from my comedy shows would add me as a friend, I didn't know them but I let them be a friend because I bet they would feel real special to know someone as cool as me.

When I was drunk I would go on the facebook, that way I could make obscene comments on other people's walls and look to see if any of the hot girls that were my friends updated their pictures. Hmm Rebecca is interested in Women...

Now facebook lets me know when my friends make updates to their profile. I can check every other day to see who has updated their profile and search for what changes they made. Sometimes it is a challenge to see if I can notice the update, usually it is just Larry updating a quote, or Kevin adding yet another band to his list of favorites. Sometimes I check on my groups to see if anything is going on, but nothing ever changes... I wonder why we join these clubs.

The other day facebook let me know what my friends update in their profile. Now they highlight when they make changes so I can see exactly what new band Kevin likes, or what new movie Dan watched last week. It is pretty good, it sure makes my searches easier but there is not much fun to my game.

Today FACEBOOK went too far! Now all the updates made to my friends profiles are sent directly to my homepage. Now I can see that Jenny is no longer single, and that Dave posted on Matt's wall. This means that they must all be able to see exactly what I do every day! That is way too far, I mean if people want to look for what I am doing that is one thing but for it to be broadcast to my friends, fans, and potential love interests! This is too much I cannot handle this. Facebook must be stopped! I need to stop this, I know I will start a club! No more facebook stalking. But first I need to join this club so a guy can have a threesome with his girlfriend.

In the last three hours I just joined six different clubs that will definitely stop this Facebook business. They really went too far, even though now I know that Jennifer really likes Steve because she posted a drunk message on his wall last night, it was so funny. Oh Oh, 6 of my friends just joined Bitch Please! I am from New Hampshire. Shit, I better join. This new Facebook feed is so terrible.

Our petitions totally made a difference, Facebook made privacy control. Now no creepy guys are going to be able to see my profile or see who's wall I post on. But now Facebook is going to let people who are not in College on the Facebook! That is totally wrong, I mean who cares if they can't see my profile unless they are in my network or my friend. These people could be from anywhere and they could be watching me. They could be that creepy guy that masturbates in the library. I am not going to let that happen I need to join a club immediately. But first, I got to see what Megan wrote on Jenny's wall.

So today facebook opened up to the public and I swear that I am totally going to quit just like that club said I would. But I need to get a few phone numbers and addresses from friends, and poke a couple of people who I haven't seen since high school. Gosh, I heard Facebook is going to sell to Microsoft, Google, or Yahoo. They are totally going to screw everything up, I can't stand it when big corporations screw up something so cool. I mean this was something that was built just for me and my friends and now somebody wants to make money off of it!? What the F? I hate facebook and I swear if they sell to a big company I am going to quit. But first I have to add Jack Daniels as my friend!

(Created to show that, we are a stalking culture. Not only do we want to know about other people, secretly we want others to know about us.)